Over at Feminist Law Profs, Bridget Crawford has some
excellent tips on “How To Act Busy And Important.” Of course, she forgot a few:
1. Make the
support staff mark your exams and papers.
Why should an international superstar waste time on menial activities
like grading?
2. Even very
busy professors should take the time to demonstrate their importance. Email your faculty list serve with
regular updates about your standings in SSRN’s Top Authors ranking.
3. Truly busy
people have little time to spare for even relatively efficient communications
like list serves. Save time: blog
about how much more productive you are than your colleagues!
4. If you burp,
sneeze, or say something important to the local media (like “fraud is bad”),
make sure that your school’s website reports on each instance, thwarting attempts
to highlight colleagues’ scholarly accomplishments.
5. Don’t use
your own office for media tapings.
Instead, demand the use of scarce classroom, library, or other common
spaces. In fact, insist on the
dean’s suite.
6. Busy people
must multitask to get everything done.
When on a symposium or conference panel, text in full view of audience
members and fellow panelists. If you receive an amusing communication, laugh
out loud while others are presenting.
7. Another
panel tip: demand to present first and then leave as soon as you speak without
waiting to hear your co-panelists.
Alternatively, demand to go last, then show up late, just before your
start time. One instance may not
be enough to demonstrate your busyness.
Make it a hard and fast rule.
8. Time, page,
and other limits are for less important people. When giving a faculty workshop, send a paper that is at
least 100 single-spaced pages, and spend the entire hour presenting it. Why leave time for questions? Your paper’s already perfect.
9. Treat attempts
to schedule committee meetings as an opportunity to demonstrate your many contributions
to the institution. When prompted by the chair for a list of available meeting times,
do the opposite: list every event on your calendar.
10. Don’t try
to remember the names of students, staff, or untenured faculty. You’re too busy.
Always use your BlackBerry during small committee meetings with colleagues, but make sure to never reply to e mails from members of that committee.
Good one, David. We could probably do an entire "how to behave badly enough to avoid all future committee assignments" thread.